I'm currently in my second semester of music school, looking at another three after this. But I didn't know straight out of high school that this was where my life would be heading. Though I'm in my first year of my major, this is my third year of college.
So what have I been doing for the past couple of years?
It's a question I've asked myself repeatedly before, regretful that I didn't start my major straight out of high school. Certainly, it would make the process a lot less complicated. But it's easy to look back and recognize all the mistakes you made without considering how you felt when you were going through it. Senior year of high school involved a lot of big life decisions, and I'm a super indecisive person. Plus, each bend in the road has been important in my journey to get here.
It all goes back to my senior year of high school. I was enjoying the time I had left with my friends, but a large part of me was itching to get out into the world. My high school years were rather isolated for someone living in a foreign country. Most of my time was spent inside my house. The idea of having the freedom of a college student seemed exhilarating.
Looking at colleges, I realized that I was split. I wasn't sure on what I wanted to pursue - English had always been a love of mine, but areas in medicine starting to interest me, too. The one thing I knew I wasn't going to look into too deeply was music. Everybody expected me to follow some sort of musical career, and I've always had a complex about listening to other people. The thing is, I knew that, if I ended up going to school for music, I wanted to know that it was my decision, and not the pressuring of my peers.
So I continued looking into schools. In the end, I applied to four, all in the Northeast - Susquehanna University, University of Vermont, Ithaca College, and embarrassingly enough I don't remember the fourth. It was three years ago, okay? Either way, I got accepted into all four.
My decision to attend Ithaca College for Physical Therapy is still a little confusing to me, even now. I think the idea of a stable career with a good paycheck - plus having the title of 'Doctor' - appealed to me. I've always felt like there have been high expectations for me, if not from other people than from myself. I never want to do less than I'm capable of. And, especially in high school, I had very high ideas of what I was capable of.
What might've happened had I chosen Susquehanna, the school I'd had an interest in since freshman year of high school? Would I have decided that English was a good fit for me? Would I be nearing a year out from graduation?
I can't say for sure. I do my best not to romanticize what might've happened - choosing a different school by no means I'd suddenly be living a perfect life - but it's hard not be curious.
Whatever might have happened, I chose Ithaca College. I think it was to the dismay of my parents. Most of my friends in school weren't close enough with me to realize that it was in complete contrast to any interest I had shown in any sort of career. They just saw that I was intelligent, likely intelligent enough to handle a more competitive field like physical therapy.
Shortly after graduating, my older brother and I said good-bye to Germany and moved in my with my grandmother for the summer. I didn't want to experience cultural shock at moving back to the U.S. alongside the shock of starting college, so we all decided it would be better to off-set the two.
That summer, I didn't feel the freedom of a college kid. I mostly stayed in my grandmother's house, feeling strange about the world outside. The U.S. has fewer sidewalks than Germany did. It made it hard for me to get places, considering I didn't have a driver's license.
My freshman year at Ithaca could be a story in and of itself, but I don't have time to get into all of that right now. So I'll sum up the important bit: I felt myself going crazy in a major that I quickly found myself dissatisfied with, around people I couldn't relate to, all in the shadow of Ithaca's huge music program. While others were taking steps to build on their skills, the most music I was able to participate in was a weekly session for Campus Band. Going from being involved in music everyday during high school to suddenly only having it once a week felt horrible. And having to do that while music majors lived and studied around me was even worse. I wanted more than anything to be a part of that.
But it was important that I leave Ithaca. So I started looking at other schools. The problem is, I didn't start searching for them until well into my spring semester, when it was already past the audition dates of many of the schools I was looking at.
I hadn't applied to any of those schools even by the time summer had rolled around. My parents had moved to Kansas, so I spent my summer there, making pros and cons lists and narrowing down the plethora of schools I had at my disposal. Eventually, it came down to three: UMKC, SUNY Fredonia, and SUNY Potsdam.
That fall, mom and I packed up the van, and we drove up to the North Country heading for Potsdam.
Originally, the plan was for me to audition for the Crane School of Music during the fall, so that I could try to fill a spot for the spring semester. It took me about a week to recognize that I was not going to be ready by the audition later in the semester. So I filled out as many Gen Ed credits as I could in my schedule and waited until 3 February to audition for the fall semester.
My audition could've gone better. I played through the third movement of the Heiden Sonata, fairly standard repertoire (not that I had a clue about standard repertoire at the time). But my professor told me that he could see I had drive, so he put me through a test for the rest of the semester. I took lessons with one of his students every week, to see how well I could keep up with Crane's pace. In May, when I went back, he assured me that I had made it.
Now, I've never had any interest in staying in undergrad for two extra years to make up for time lost. Instead, I found it better to get my degree in a B.A. in Music, something that is only supposed to take an extra semester from my original four years. With that, I hope to move on to grad school, likely with a Music Therapy Master's equivalency program.
It's been a crazy road. But now I'm here. Living in an apartment that may or may not be infested with mice with some of my best friends. So far north it won't really warm up until finals week. Middle of nowhere. There are times it drives me crazy, but I'm lucky to be here. It's taken two years of work to get this far. I'm proud of myself.
I did it!
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